Happy Labor Day!

It's Labor Day today. I have a "big girl" job, so that means my company pays me to stay home today. It's a rather unusual thing... to have the day off and to be paid for it.
For the past few months, since I ran out of the leave time that I'd had saved up, any days I was not at work, I just didn't get paid for those. FMLA helps me keep my job, since companies don't really like it if you don't work and don't have leave time to compensate.

My boss has been fantastic! He helped me get forms together when I started this mess. He helped me navigate through FMLA forms and requests for emergency leave from my company. Not that any other boss wouldn't have tried to help, but he had some health issues a few years back, including a kidney transplant, so he was very familiar with the particular red tape that comes with a significant health crisis. The first few weeks certainly felt, in my mind, like a crisis. It's starting to feel a lot more manageable now.

Being finished with chemo helped. I'm not as sick all the time. I'm slowing getting my energy back. I'm still not 100% yet, but I'm able to go to work almost every day, excluding infusions every 3 weeks, and half-days when I get injections every 4 weeks. I have scans less frequently, so I'm off for parts of those days too.

I still feel guilty when I'm off work. I know I'm not taking advantage in any way, but I feel guilty not being there. Like I'm leaving my coworkers to pick up my slack. My coworkers have been amazing, though. I'm really lucky to be part of the team that I work with. I mentioned my guilt to one of my coworkers, and she said, "Don't feel guilty. It's not something you can control. We don't expect you to control it. Just take the time you need. Work isn't going anywhere." My boss said almost the same thing, "You don't need to feel guilty. You're here when you can be. You do your job. Relax."

So that's what I'm doing today. I'm relaxing. I'm watching movies on HBO & Netflix. I'm updating this blog. I'm actively NOT feeling guilty for things I can't control. Another lesson learned (or in progress,) courtesy of cancer.

Happy Anniversary, Cancer.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. It feels like it's been longer than a year, but whatever. I'm still here. I'm still going through treatment. I'm lucky enough not to require surgery (yet.)

My hair is growing back. The "new" natural color is very, very gray. I'd like to say "ash blonde," but who are we kidding? It's gray. And I've got a lovely white streak right in the front. For now, I'm keeping it. I was a "redhead" for years, and I just can't bring myself to switch back to that until I'm out of the Little Orphan Annie stage. It's just asking for trouble. So far, I've got about 2.5"-3", and it's still curly, so I've got a bit of a wait. I'll just have white girl 'fro for now. At least it's *my* hair. It's still way too hot to worry with wigs right now. SC summer heat + humidity + hot flashes don't mix well with wigs. I'll probably play with my wigs more when it gets cooler. In the meantime, I'm waiting to try some interesting hair colors. I won't get this chance again, hopefully.

I'm still carrying around about 30 extra pounds from chemo/steroids/eating like a toddler for 4 months. It's frustrating. I can't run. I can't do a full push up. I can't walk more than 2 miles without craving a nap.

I'm calling my fatigue the "new normal" for me. For now.
I'm trying to embrace my hair. For now.
I'm just trying to be thankful.

Just Go. And LIVE!

I've been anxiously waiting for today for months. I've been dreading it since I first got my diagnosis. The stress of just waiting for it has been intense, and since I'm pretty stoic and don't like to emote or "share" my feelings, I've just been keeping all my anxiety to myself.

Today was mammogram & surgical consult day, ie: the day I find out how much of my breast I get to keep... I was a wreck all day. But I went to work & went to my appointments like everything was normal. I got both boobs smooshed & went for my follow-up with the surgeon.

My surgeon is a lovely woman, and she's always super sunny. Today was no different, and ordinarily, her disposition would just irritate me, but on her, it's just what I need. She came in to the room, where I'm wearing a too-small smock (with the closure in the front) and proceeded to feel me up and ultrasound my previously smooshed breast. And then she said, "There's not really anything we can take out, so we'll see you in 6 months!!"

Of course, I made her stay & talk it all out for another 15 minutes... We could go in & take some tissue from where the biopsy marker is & test it, but then I'd have to recover, which might set more of my treatment back, & she just  doesn't see the point since there's nothing she can definitively *see* to remove. So, my boob is off the hook for another 6 months.

My reaction, the first one, was to cry... Mostly because I'm just overwhelmed. Right now, an hour and some change later, I'm just a bit numb.

I told my doctor that I feel like I'm just waiting for the proverbial "other shoe" and without skipping a beat, she said, "There is no 'other shoe,' honey. Just go. And LIVE."

Never have I heard more wonderful words!

Zen Therapy

I've been itching to get back to the gym again, since before my chemo was even finished. It's been a real problem because I was supposed to take it easy, not be around germs, and I'm limited in the type of exercises I can do, due to my Port-a-Cath. (The super awesome bionic implant I have in my chest, rated at 300 psi & 3 Tesla...)

It's also an issue, because I'm *always* tired. Always.

A Pattern of Neglect

I'm still here.
Promise.

I'm officially finished with chemo "proper," and now, I just get some easy-peasy infusions every three weeks. Herceptin & Perjeta are so much easier to tolerate when not combined with Taxotere. I don't get sick, really. I basically just get really tired for a few days after the infusions, and spend the weekend sleeping and snacking. Yes, my appetite is still going strong. I can trust it to wake me every 3 hours or so to eat something.
By the way, I am still carrying around the extra 30 pounds that steroids gave me during chemo. I always trust my luck... Of course, I would be the person to *gain* weight during chemo, instead of losing it. I'm also being stubborn and not buying new clothes, in the hope that that extra weight is just making a pit stop.

My scans still look good. My lymph nodes are now cancer-free. My bones are still healing. My tumor is still fading away. My doctors and I still haven't figured out what we're going to do about surgery, though, because my tumor is not "melting away" in one spot; it's kind of "melting away" like an ice cube... so it's still spread about, but smaller. We're all hoping that the Herceptin and Perjeta will work magic and smother it enough so that I'm only looking at a lumpectomy.

Worst case? Mastectomy. For obvious reasons, I'd rather have the lumpectomy. (I am pretty vain, and I like my boobs - both of them.) But, I'm working myself up to resigning to the mastectomy if that's what I need. Better out than in, for sure. Besides, "they" make really great fake breasts nowadays!

Bottom line: I'm waiting for July's mammogram to find out what the verdict is.

Meanwhile, I'm still doing all the things I have energy for...

CT Scan Results

I had a visit with the oncologist today, to discuss my recent CT Scan results.
The good news - my bones are continuing to heal.
The better news - the tumor in my breast is continuing to shrink.
The best news - my lymph nodes are cancer free. The 2 lymph nodes which were popping up on scans throughout my chemo are no longer showing up.

Meanwhile, I'm still potassium deficient, so I got another infusion today. I got a prescription for some potassium pills, which I'm sure will be the size of my thumb.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, which sounds pretty ridiculous considering the narcolepsy, but I've just been restless at night. So, I got another prescription to help me relax and sleep at night.

Stay tuned...

Another CT Scan

I'm having another CT Scan this morning. That means my breakfast was another Ready-CAT barium shake. This time I chose "Apple" because one of the radiology techs said that lots of people "liked" that flavor more than the others. Once again, I'm not sure who these people are. The "apple" tasted like the scent Bath & Body Works uses for its soaps. Seriously. It was pretty gross.
I was "smart" this morning, and didn't drink my shake until an hour before my appointment, instead of the 1.5 hours they said on the instruction sheet. I hoped my little ruse would help me avoid a second Ready-CAT, but no such luck. "Vanilla" wasn't any better than I thought it would be. Think of chalk, with a hint of fake vanilla taffy flavor... It tasted about half that good.

Once again, the CT scan was quick, made me feel like I'd peed myself, and imitated a quick hot flash. I came out unscathed. The set up, again, 45 minutes.

 I have an appointment on Monday morning for the results. I remain, with fingers crossed.

Recap From Last Week

This is a late post, recapping last week, because I honestly just felt too awful to write anything. I was sick, like you think of people on chemo being sick. I felt nauseated all the time, I threw up pretty much everything I ate or drank from Thursday until today (Monday,) and I was in a moderate amount of pain through it all. I felt like I got hit by a truck.

Happy New Year

I've had 2 shots since my last chemo, both to boost my white blood cell count. I spent all weekend, and most of Monday and Tuesday on Vicodin... and most of that was unconscious. I did manage to go to a New Year's Eve party last night, but I went to bed shortly after a midnight sip of champagne. I realized that my energy would be better used for cheering on my football team in their bowl game today.

I woke up around 10:30am, and still felt pretty crappy.  I tried to drink a mimosa, which was mostly orange juice anyway, but it hurt my throat too much. I ate a little bit of chili and some cornbread, but still felt a little nauseated. Not to mention, my skin hurts and my bones still ache.

Overall, not a very auspicious start to the new year, but at least my football team won.

Chemo #6 - Hopefully my LAST chemo...

Sorry for the lack of posts the past couple of weeks. Here's a breakdown, though:
**Chemo #5 was a doozy.

**My neutrophils (the emerging/immature white blood cells) were 0.03 at my nadir labs a week after. They're supposed to be at least a  4.0. I had been feeling pretty awful, and my infusion nurse, Sharon, said that was definitely why I felt so bad. I probably shouldn't have gone to work all week, but when I don't work, I don't get paid. It's hard to negotiate the gap between work & my health at this point because I'm so tired and it takes my body so much longer to bounce back from each chemo treatment.
I got lots of shots after my nadir labs to help my white blood cell count. They cause some bone pain, but since I switched to a different allergy pill, the pain is much more manageable.

**This past weekend, I slept. I woke up on Saturday morning, ate some breakfast and drank some coffee, then took a nap. I woke up in time for lunch, and took another nap. Then I woke up in time for dinner, and took another nap. I finally just got in the bed... Sunday was a repeat of Saturday. Sadly, I didn't really feel rested for work on Monday, and could have easily slept all day again, but I went to work anyway.

**Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were spent with the family. It was nice, and everyone got along well... We had so much delicious food for Christmas Eve dinner, but I didn't have the best appetite. I ate as much as I could though, because who can pass up beef tenderloin, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, mushroom/sherry cream sauce, and crepes? Not this girl.


Hopefully, I get an extra infusion for my white blood cells today during my chemo treatment so that I don't have the overwhelming fatigue I had after the last treatment. Hopefully, I can get out and walk some this weekend so I don't feel so home-bound and lazy. Hopefully, I can blog about some things over the next few weeks other than how I feel so tired and sick. Keep your fingers crossed!!

Chemo #5 - Penultimate Poisoning

Good news! My CT scan was full of truly, genuinely great things. My bones show signs of healing. The 2 lymph nodes - one under the muscle in my breast & the other in my armpit - are both significantly smaller. The tumor in my right breast is getting smaller also!  My oncologist, my aunt (Nurse Practitioner Extraordinaire), and I are completely thrilled especially because the results are so much better than expected. It's always wonderful to get such news from my oncologist. Let's hope it continues.

Mediocre news... The CT scan picked up some spots on my liver and a cyst on one of my ovaries. I say this is "mediocre" news because my oncologist is not concerned with either issue, but I'll get a MRI next week to confirm his suspicions. The cyst on my ovary isn't at all a concern, because it's plainly not cancerous, and it probably has been around for a while, and it likely caused much of my horrible painful cramps throughout the years. The spots that showed up on my liver would have clearly lit up on my PET scan before treatment started if they were cancerous, and they did not. It's highly unlikely that they sprouted up during my chemotherapy treatments when all the rest of the cancer cells have been responding well. 

My oncologist & aunt both said not to stress over either thing, and we'll do another MRI just to be certain.

Bad-ish news... I had Chemo #5 today, and one more left to go. I wasn't lucky enough to get to skip anything, but I'm really not even that upset about it considering the great news I got. Yes, I'll feel like crap for another week or two. Yes, it'll suck just a little more than last time. And yes, I'll get through it just like I did the previous 4 times -- by being my normal bad-ass self (with a little less cancer.)

Thanksgiving & Black Friday Traditions

The best thing about my immediate family is that we all genuinely enjoy each others' company. We get along well about 95% of the time. That other 5% is mostly due to us all being somewhat hot-headed and temperamental from time to time. Luckily, most of the time, only one of us has a bad attitude at a time.

MJ, Dixie the Jack Russell fur baby, and I showed up at my family's house on Late Standard Time, as usual. Mom & my sister were heading out the door to go to Thanksgiving lunch at an aunt's & uncle's house as we were walking in.  Dad was recovering from surgery so he stayed home and had the added bonus of a cute little dog to cuddle and nap with him while we were all gone. I got a mean case of chemo brain and made a wrong turn, which made me feel rather stupid and made us even later. We ended up being about 45 minutes late to lunch.
The food was delicious, and I stuffed myself silly.
I got to see some cousins & other family members that I rarely get to see. It was a really good day, and I felt pretty decent too.
All the activity of the day certainly wore me down, because I fell asleep before 9pm.

The following day was the dreaded Black Friday. After working retail for many years, I avoid shopping on this day. I find the violent commercialism utterly distasteful.
My mom, sister and I started the tradition of going for hikes instead. We normally do part of the Palmetto Trail, but this year, I just couldn't hike 6+ miles. We did about 2 1/4 miles instead, which was coincidentally about all I could handle. I passed out at 8:30 that evening, and I slept like the dead.

CT Ready

My breakfast this morning was "mocha" flavored Readi-CAT barium "smoothie."  The quotes are mine, not theirs.

My doctor's office gave me an instruction sheet to prep for the CT scan. It said to take the Readi-CAT 1 1/2 hours before the procedure. It was chalky and metallic-tasting, and might be misconstrued as "mocha" if I had completely forgotten what chocolate and coffee taste like. It was not the breakfast I was looking for.

The instruction sheet also cautioned that I might have to drink more Readi-CAT before the procedure. 

And, I probably should have taken an anti-nausea pill with it. 

I wasn't supposed to eat anything this morning, but I was so hungry when I woke up - borderline HANGRY - I was looking for loopholes...  Other than my "smoothie," I'm sad to report that there were none. I did drink 1/2 cup of coffee, because I figured *that* wasn't technically "eating" anything. I'm sitting here now, daydreaming of what I will be able to eat once I get this CT scan done. 

Update:
I had to drink another "smoothie" once they called me back to prep for the CT scan. It was equally "delicious;" it was also equally chilled.
It took 45 minutes to get my port accessed and to get set up for the CT scan.
The CT scan itself?? 7 minutes. The contrast dye was HOT going through my port. I felt like I was on fire from the inside, but not in a terrible way, because it was so COLD today. It also made me feel like I'd peed myself a little. I was warned about this sensation, and I assure you that I didn't pee myself today.

Lucky for me, the radiology people left my port accessed so that I could walk over to my oncologist's office for all my labs.

Blood work was good today. No shots needed!!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Lola's Chemo #4

This week, I had only about 2 days where I felt like myself. The rest of the time? I was simply exhausted. I have slept so much in the past 3 weeks, and part of that might be the fact that I was trying desperately not to get sick, trying to manage severe bone pain for 4 days, and trying to work through it all.

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

That title isn't just my favorite Smiths song...

In the weeks between my chemotherapy infusions, I go to get lab work done & see my oncologist for visits. After my 2nd infusion, my aunt delightedly confirmed that she is also unable to feel the formerly lime-sized tumor that took up residency in my right breast. Today, my oncologist suggested that we get some scans done after my next infusion, and (in his words) "re-evaluate the course of treatment."

So, perhaps, my next treatment might be my last full chemo infusion. Cross fingers, everyone.